"One
Day in the Life of a Mediator Parent"
By
M. Brady Mikusko, MA, MSW
When people discover
that I am a mediator, most are shocked and say something like “My
goodness! How in the heck can you do that kind of work? You mean,
you get right in the middle of two people divorcing and deal with
all that anger and hurt?” And I usually agree that it is hard work.
But what I don’t say is that there are many days when I’d rather be
right in the middle of somebody else’s fight than in the middle of
my own.
Take one night last
fall, for example. My son, a 14-year old high school student, whose
communication style is very different from mine — he talks in
monosyllables and I don’t — told me that soccer practice was over at
5:15 p.m. and it was my turn to pick up. It was raining that day
and, being a non-sports-type person, I arrived a little early (5:05
p.m.) because I figured the coach would let them go home early.
After all, who wants to play soccer in the rain? I reasoned. So I
arrived sans books or bills to pay or anything else to do for
that matter.
Twenty-five minutes
later, I was fuming. I had dinner to make, a class to attend at 7:00
p.m. and furthermore, does the coach think I have all day to sit
around and wait? Doesn’t the coach have a watch? And the internal
dialogue got worse and worse.
Finally my son
arrived with his friends and I made some caustic remark, to which my
son replied: “Don’t make a scene, mom.” Being an adult, I waited to
make my scene.
Friends driven home,
not yet in the driveway of our house, I began my tirade. This tirade
was made worse by the fact that my son confessed that practice
really wasn’t over until 5:30 p.m. He had gotten it wrong. He asked
me to “let it go” and I wouldn’t. He reminded me that “it was not
the end of the world” but I just went on and on and he left the
dinner table hurt and angry, the rest of the family felt
horrible, and I left for class late, unrelenting in my position that
I was right and justified in my anger.
Three hours later, I
began to remember some of what I have learned as a mediator.
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Attachment to a
position can get you nowhere...
Find out what
everyone’s needs are. (For example, I have a need to know the right
times for pick up. We could have worked out that issue rather than
fight unproductively.)
-
Self-righteousness
is a lonely place to be and destroys relationship.
The next morning, I
was on-duty for the car pool to Pioneer. As I picked up each boy, I
sipped my coffee, and watched them through the rear-view mirror. I
listened to their early morning banter, and in the early morning
hours, on Stadium, an even greater learning emerged.
-
Focusing on the
larger picture can sometimes move us out of the conflict.
In other words, if
I could have remembered how much I simply love my son, how thankful
I am that he is in my life, how thankful I am that he is able to
play sports, and how very thankful I am that he has good friends, I
could have transformed that irritating wait into a moment of
fullness.
The end to the
story? After my class, I sadly and slowly walked up to his room and
told him I had behaved badly and asked him to forgive me. He asked
me why I had gone on and on. I didn’t have a good answer. He said he
forgave me and I guess I have to believe he did. And after some
time, the length of which I won’t reveal, I forgave myself.
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By
M. Brady Mikusko, MA, MSW, Advanced Practitioner – Association for
Conflict Resolution, and early financial supporter of
Divorce Peers. This article is from February 2003.
Contact information: M. Brady Mikusko, 415 North Main Street, Ann Arbor, MI 48104;
telephone 734.747.8240;
<click here to eMail>.
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