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"The Messy (Legal) Steps" |
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By Lee Borden
Divorce is a cruddy process. It takes the person whom you once believed to be your soul mate and rips the relationship apart. Nearly all divorces involve feelings of bitterness, betrayal and abandonment. No wonder author Abigail Trafford calls divorce “crazy time.” You’ll have to resolve four main issues in your divorce – two if you don’t have children:
Different states treat all four issues differently, so you need to get state-specific advice about your case. But to be honest, most of the issues themselves aren’t all that complicated. What makes them difficult is the white-hot emotional intensity that the husband and the wife bring to the process. |
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In nearly every divorce, at least one spouse comes to view the other as unspeakably and inexplicably evil. Sometimes this is true. More often, though, it’s the divorce process that brings out the worst in both spouses. One of the most important things you can do in divorce is to keep your perspective about your spouse. About children. If you’re divorcing, no matter how good your intentions are, you can’t focus as much as you’d like on your children. Worse still, some parents may use their children as pawns during divorce. Just remember that when the divorce is over, these same parents are likely to be loving, caring and attentive once again. Meanwhile, encourage your children to have relationships with other family members, school counselors and friends who can be good listeners. When it comes to property division, focus on high-value assets and insist on developing full knowledge of their value, including the tax consequences of selling them. If there’s a particular asset that’s important to you, for example the house, make sure first that you can afford to keep it. If you’re sure the answer is yes, be prepared to take less of other assets or to take on more debt to compensate your spouse. Every state now has guidelines to calculate child support. These guidelines take the guesswork out for the vast majority of divorcing couples. It’s rare for a judge to order a deviation from the guidelines, sometimes even when both parents ask for it. Even if both parents agree to a deviation, in most courts it’s easy to get the child support restored to the guideline figure later. Collecting child support has gotten easier recently. As the result of federal legislation now adopted in all 50 states, deadbeat parents can have their bank accounts seized, their income garnished, and their drivers’ licenses, professional licenses, and hunting and fishing licenses suspended. They can even be thrown in jail. Spousal support is the hardest issue to predict in most divorces. In every state that allows alimony (and some states don’t allow it at all), it’s very much up to the discretion of the judge. Alimony is usually reserved for cases in which one spouse has been economically dependent on the other for most of a lengthy marriage. |
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If your spouse has hired a combative, aggressive, “take no prisoners” divorce lawyer, then you may have no choice but to respond in kind. But the vast majority of divorcing couples have no need for this kind of representation. They need the wise perspective of a calm, seasoned advisor who can help them evaluate the suggestions their spouse is making and help them end the conflict as soon as possible. Your evaluation of a prospective lawyer begins with the first phone call. Trust your judgment. Ask yourself, “Do I like this person? Does he or she seem able to listen patiently to what I’m trying to accomplish and explore ways to help me get it done? Unless you’re facing a filing deadline, you probably don’t need to rush into hiring a lawyer. Don’t be afraid to talk to several lawyers, and don’t be offended if they ask you to pay for their time for the initial consultation. Here are some questions you may want to ask:
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If you and your spouse keep your divorce uncontested — and most divorcing couples do — you should be finished within a few weeks unless your state has an extended waiting period before your divorce can be effective. Your divorce will be bewilderingly painful, but you’ll get through it relatively quickly and move on with your lives. In uncontested divorces, in which one spouse is represented by a lawyer and the other is not, most mistakes happen because the wrong person has representation. Consider carefully who most needs the emotional support and financial advice. In addition to uncontested divorce, the other alternatives are a do-it-yourself divorce (sometimes called “pro se” and pronounced “pro SAY”), and mediated divorce. The advisability of pro se divorce varies from state to state. Some states, like Arizona, have gone to great lengths to design forms and procedures to allow people to do their own divorce without using a lawyer. Most states have not. Mediation can be a helpful option if you and your spouse disagree about key issues of your divorce. The mediator will meet with both of you and help you explore options for resolving the differences. Some mediators prefer to work with the spouses and their lawyers in different rooms; others prefer to work with both parties in the same room. Don’t be afraid to interview several mediators until you and your spouse find the one whose background and style seems appropriate for your case. If you are locked in an adversarial divorce, it’s much harder to predict how long it will take. It could be finished within a couple of months, or it might take several years to wind through the courts toward final resolution. Here are some points to keep in mind:
There are three questions you should ask yourself constantly:
If you don’t know and can’t find the answer to all three questions, it may be time to explore a graceful concession to end the conflict. The most important thing you and your spouse can do in divorce is to stay in control. This is your divorce. You’re the one who’s living through this. You’re the one who knows yourself and your spouse best. You’re the one who’s going to have to live with the decisions you’re making for the rest of your life. Don’t turn your divorce over to your lawyer, or your mediator, or your judge, or your mother, or anyone else. It’s much harder and requires more work from you in the early stages, but in the long run you’ll be glad you stayed in control. |
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"The Messy (Legal) Steps of Divorce" |
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"The Messy (Legal) Steps of Divorce" |
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