Boundaries and Autonomy

Divorce Peers > All About You > Autonomy

... is manifested by the release or recovery of three capacities: awareness, spontaneity and intimacy.

1. "Awareness. Awareness means the capacity to see a coffeepot and hear the birds sing in one's own way, and not the way one was taught. It may be assumed on good grounds that seeing and hearing have a different quality for infants than for adults....

2. "Spontaneity. Spontaneity means option, the freedom to choose and express one's feelings from the assortment available.... It means liberation, liberation from the compulsion to play games and have only the feelings one was taught to have....

3. "Intimacy. Intimacy means the spontaneous, game-free candidness of an aware person, ... living in the here and now."

— Eric Berne, M.D.
Games People Play

"Many divorced persons don't know how to 'quit their marriage.' They keep struggling to free themselves from the former spouse while secretly wanting to hold on.

"Some former mates use every opportunity to see the other person and then regret it after having done so. They might keep hoping that the other person has changed or that their memory of the bad things will go away. Many departed mates return at will to their former home for meals, evenings, baby-sitting, gardening, repairs, or nostalgia. Sometimes at 'visiting dinner guest' level, former mates find themselves quite compatible and friendly. Remember that visiting together is vastly different from living together. Three months of separation is seldom able to heal 20 years of hurts and problems.

"In most instances, physical separation should initiate a clean break between former mates. A lingering post-divorce attachment will prohibit the establishing of a new identity and positive growth."

— Jim Smoke
Growing Through Divorce

"Civil, not intimate. Once divorced, co-parents should resemble business partners, not best friends.

"Therefore, parents should focus on being fact-based and goal-oriented in their communication, not on sorting out emotions or counseling one another."

— Diane Chambers Shearer, Atlanta-based divorce mediator
"Parenting Solo: When co-parenting crosses the line,"
Metro Parent, November 2002

"As soon after the separation as possible, preferably the same or next day, the issue of the key should be addressed, discussed and resolved. If the one leaving the marital residence refuses to relinquish it, have the locks changed. While the emotional impact and initial response may be harsh, over the long haul the results will be in both parties' best interests....

"Giving up the key is a major and threatening step for both parties. It is one of the first steps toward detachment, independence and acceptance of the divorce."

— Dr. Melvyn A. Berke and Joanne B. Grant
Games Divorced People Play

"In a healthy, functional relationship, partners not only love each other, but they also respect and nurture their partner's identity and independence."

— Robert Epstein, Ph.D.
"Ask Dr. E: Answers to your questions about trust, assertiveness, marriage and more," Psychology Today, January/February 2001

Some people are so structured, so cautious, so compartmentalized, that you'd think they invented boundaries! Their concerns may appear so legitimate that you're unaware that it's actually fear of involvement."

— H. Norman Wright
Relationships that Work

Adultery
Agreements
Apologize and make amends
Care taking and rescuers
Divorce Statistics - Infidelity, Adultery, Cheating, Affairs, ...
Divorce Statistics - Sexually Transmitted Disease (STDs, AIDS)
Divorce Statistics - Why Did You Get Divorced?
Forgiveness
The Waitress Test

Active Listening -- Tips
Adultery
Agreements
Apologize and make amends
Asking Questions
Camps for Kids
Care taking and rescuers
Child Health
Children and "Friendly Divorce"
Daters' Bill of Rights - Boundaries after Divorce
Divorce Risks: Children
Evaluating Child Care
Explaining Your Divorce to Your Children
Forgiveness
Four Basic Elements of Successful After-Divorce Relationships
Friendship
Listening Habits
Listening Problems
Marital Attachment - "Unhooking" after Divorce
Not Divorcing - for the Sake of the Children
Parenting Classes
Parenting Time Coordination via Internet-Based Scheduler
Personality tests: Jung-Myers-Briggs
Photo Albums On-Line
Reasons to Listen Better
Relationship tests
Step Couples - 10 Steps for Success in Remarriage after Divorce
Step families - 10 Steps for Successful Step-Grandparenting
Step families - 10 Steps for Successful Stepfamilies, Stepchild Parenting
Stepparents - So You Want to be a Stepmother?
The Waitress Test
Why Not Date During Divorce?
Why Wait to Date after divorce?

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